Divorce

Today, Stephen and I at our wedding photo shoot, photographer: Carrie Tompkins

Divorce

Divorce is such a broad topic. The truth is my divorce looks different than all others because it involves two humans who are individuals with their uniqueness. My ex-husband used to tell me, “There are three sides to this story: yours, mine, and the truth.” I can only honestly give you one side: mine. Although, my ex probably has a colorful view too. The truth however, it lies somewhere else, a mixture of both stories with some parts and pieces of its own. Let’s get to my story.

When You Know

I can’t remember the book I read in the beginning of my divorce but there was a chapter called, “Just because you asked for it, doesn’t mean you want it.” That is exactly where I was. I had told my ex I wanted and was ready to get divorced, my family was now involved; and then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go through with it. My family’s response to my divorce (they were against it) was also adding a ton of pressure to my decision, or indecision. I felt all the feelings of guilt, sadness, elation, fear, anxiety, and a desire for something to change. To admit to my friends and family that the man I had committed my love to for eternity would all be ending was a huge blow. Initially, it was my decision. I asked for it. But did I really want this?

The very next chapter in the book was, “Just because you didn’t ask for it, doesn’t mean you didn’t want it.’ This was the moment of revelation for me. When I told my ex it was over and that I wanted a divorce, there wasn’t much said. He just let me go. Looking back, I know there were many reasons for his quick release. However, the truth was he too wanted this divorce but had not asked for it, yet.

But Why?

Goodness, there are many reasons that this divorce came about initially. And now, after years of scrutiny there are a million other reasons. I met my ex in high school, then reconnected in college. He was a great friend and it blossomed into a relationship. Isn’t that what is supposed to happen? Aren’t you supposed to marry your very best friend? Maybe, but maybe not.

My Ex-Husband & I with our dog, Brody

Throughout our nine-year marriage we had fun, laughed, cried, learned, grew, but we never fully changed. We never went from being friends to being lovers. One of the major events that happened during our marriage was a miscarriage when I was 13 weeks pregnant. This resulted in a D&C procedure, along with other complications. It would take another seven years, a new marriage, and having a child with my now husband, for me to fully realize that miscarriage was a BIG deal, and that neither one of us quite understood the magnitude of it. Rather than discuss it or mature from it, we quickly got a dog to fill the void. Our dog, Brody, literally became our first child and carried the weight of it all. I could blame the divorce on that, I could blame it on infidelity, or purely on neglect of the relationship. There are so many reasons why, but it was time, the relationship had run its course and with a lack of knowledge and desire to fix it, we were doomed.

The Death of a Relationship

What does divorce look like? Messy, ugly, hurtful, necessary, and hard. It sounds pretty rough and I don’t advocate it. I write about it with careful consideration. I don't want my story to be all doom-and-gloom, but I also want people to know that most divorces feel like this: the relationship that was the BEST thing ever on your wedding day, has become the WORST thing. And it takes a long time to truly move on (which is rarely the day your divorce is over).

It has taken me over six years to even have the strength to write about my divorce and some people never want to talk about theirs. Some people say death is easier. Death is final, it’s nobody’s fault; but divorce is rejection. It’s personal. In some ways, you mourn divorce like a mini death because the relationship is over and you have to put it to rest. 

In nature, with death comes new life, and that is where I am in this process. It has taken me years to get here, but without it I would not have found the life I have now. This new life is one I am proud of, even if it took hard work to get here, and it still has trials of its own. 

Life after divorce on the surface might look great, all that change and something fresh can be exciting, but for it to be truly better takes work. I went through years of counseling, practicing self-awareness, and this part is key: figuring out MY part in what went wrong.

It’s really easy to blame others, but it doesn’t help us in the long run. Andy Stanley said something that resonated with me, “blame allows us to smuggle our issues into the future.” It was not until I fully admitted what part I played in the demise of the relationship and asked for forgiveness, that I could completely move forward and truly LOVE another person.

The Fallout 

Who is affected by my divorce? Me and my ex, plain and simple, right? What about everyone else who stood there on our wedding day? Those who showered us with gifts and love, the witnesses, weren’t they the ones who were suppose to hold us to our words of forever? They might feel a bit unsure of where to stand in this situation. What do you do if you are them? Do you pick a side? Do you ignore the couple that once was? Even though it may seem like you are the only two parties in the divorce, it turns out many people are affected. Especially if there are children involved. Fortunately, in our case, there were no kids, only our dog Brody.

A lot can happen, and it’s often a rollercoaster. You will probably lose friends, gain new ones, and upset family members. My family loved my ex and so it was very hard for them to distance themselves from someone they cared so much about. My advice is to be gentle, which can be hard to do when you are hurting. Just tread lightly and be empathetic. You still need to take care of yourself and get through this, but understand that your decisions leave a trail.

My husband Stephen and I with our son Rory, photographer: Lindsey King Photography

I’m happily remarried now, and my husband also went through a divorce before we met. We both agree and attest to the fact that staying married, and working on our lives with our previous exes would have been the BEST thing for everyone, including ourselves. But it doesn’t always work out that way. Today, we have a son together, and we believe that working on our relationship daily is the best decision. We are determined to put in the work to maintain the health and vitality of this relationship because this is the best gift we can give our children.

Moving Forward

In the end, it’s over. Or is it? I don’t know if relationships ever end, but they do change. We are still connected to the people we have met in life, but sometimes the status and definition of those relationships change with time.

Sometimes the relationship becomes one of blame and defense. We love to have a scape goat. The inevitable truth is that it takes two to make it work, and it takes two to end it. Figure out your part of the blame, take care of yourself, grow from the hurt, and move on.

We also get caught up in our story. The story we keep telling ourselves and others. This prevents you from truly figuring out what needs to be dealt with on your end so that you can grow and move past it all. One day I realized I needed to stop living in “my story” and start figuring out my shit so I could truly have a better relationship in the future.

Six years later, I don’t even really think about the blame or the story anymore. My ex has a new life and so do I. I want him to be happy, to live, and to live well.

In the End there is Forgiveness

The one thing I have yet to do in all of this is to forgive myself. They say there are five stages of grief and those steps don’t always occur in order. I have experienced the five stages throughout this whole process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Forgiveness isn’t a process in grief, but forgiveness is a key element for moving forward. 

My ex has forgiven me for my mistakes in this whole situation, and I have moved past him. But I realized the other day that I have not forgiven myself for the hurt I caused him and myself, and all the others this divorce affected. I believe Rascal Flats said it best in their hit song I’m Movin’ On: “Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road…I’m movin’ on.” 

I’m okay with continuing to move forward and finding forgiveness day-by-day. Maybe that’s the key to the real TRUTH in this divorce: finding forgiveness.

My 2nd wedding, with my parents, Stephen and I, Brody and our son Rory.