What Friendship Looks like After Becoming a Mom
I love a good friendship. It’s like a fabulous movie; you sit down on your couch, cozy up with a blanket and watch intently as the story unfolds before your eyes. You go through all the emotions as you laugh, cry, second guess your thoughts, worry, fret, debate what you feel; and then, in the end, you are just so thankful you saw a great film and feel differently for having watched it. That is exactly how I feel about my friendships over the ages. It is such a warm feeling to cozy up on a couch with a dear friend, chat about life, laugh at yourself, commiserate together and cry, second guess your emotions and on and on.
Some of my friendships have been seasonal, only lasting a short period while others have been with me since day one. I am thankful for each of them and though brief, they have each held a place in my heart and have changed me. However, this particular season—motherhood—has lent a new rhythm to friendships.
Our Time is Limited
As you know, if you are within the realm of motherhood or not, your time is a valuable commodity. Time is one of the biggest gifts we have been given and no one wants to waste their own time. Not to mention, your time is also the biggest gift you can give anyone—so let’s make it count, right?
My husband was talking to me about cycling, and training for a big race. He was telling me that he had to put in so many miles and hours just begin to feel fit enough to compete. I equated this with marathon training and how much time it takes to do the long run days, the consistent running of miles daily, and speed workouts. Before children, I could spend so much of my time training for these runs and putting in the miles. But now with children, I have to use my time more efficiently and effectively. I can’t leisurely run 18 miles on some arbitrary Saturday morning. But if I could it would have to be planned ahead of time and childcare assigned—you get what I am saying.
The point is: I don’t have all the “extra” time to meet up for coffee, grab lunch and then go shop all the downtown stores (in my dreams I do!). Therefore, I have to make sure what “extra” time I do have for friendship is used proficiently so that my friends and I get the most out of our time together. As I said, I love friendships, but I only have a certain amount of time for it. For me, my time must be spent on valuable friendships, symbiotic ones. I crave this so much for myself, that I also want my friends to feel the same way about our time together, and gain value from it too. Gone are the days of just hanging out loosely and not watching the clock. Now my friendship time is used on a morning run, where we can both get some exercise and go down our list of things we need to discuss before the run is over!
Judgment-Free Zone
One of the worst things that has happened to me before I had children is that I would say things like, “When I have kids, I will never…” Boy, did I speak a little out of turn. The truth is you don’t know what you will do when you are sleep deprived and a child is screaming full throttle in a restaurant. My stepchildren are some of the best-behaved kids around and even they have their moments.
The point is: you can’t judge your friends and the way they raise their kids unless you just don’t want them to be your friends anymore. I truly believe that until you have been in someone’s position, you don’t know what you would do or how you would handle the situation you might be judging! I love my friends, they all have their own family lives and truly they are doing the BEST they can at this moment. You can bet that they will not get any judgment from me.
Growth through Motherhood
When I found out I was pregnant things changed. Yes, physically my body was going through some major and marked transformations, not to mention being very ill with morning sickness. But more sincerely, I was joining the ranks of my sister, mother, and grandmother. It was as if one moment I was a living a carefree and liberated life, and the next I was grounded and responsible for another human with half my genetic code. Big stuff. Grown-up stuff. And for me—overwhelming.
Once my baby arrived I found other mothers who were recently embracing this new world too. It has been a great honor to develop strong bonds with each of them, and they all have my utmost respect. It is a special combination of no sleep, love of coffee and wine, shared stories of birth, nursing, and child-rearing that has strengthened our friendship. We each contribute stories, ideas (GREAT ideas), and share some of our struggles so that each of us can create plans to make this motherhood gig a little easier. We try to lighten the load of parenting by holding playdates at one another’s homes and even started a Supper Club to include our husbands for a much-needed group date night.
Some friendships didn’t start at Motherhood, but in the process, we have become mothers together. My best friend in Michigan lives hundreds of miles away, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be close. She recently became a mother, and we have a love for our boys that is immeasurable. There is a common bond we have always shared, which now has become even more amplified because of motherhood.
Friends Without Kids
On the other hand, there is always our dearest friends who don’t have children. Sometimes by choice, some of my friends never wanted children; and sometimes by chance, as they are having a hard time conceiving. While these friends might not want to attend the weekly playdate or mom book club, it doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends. The idea is meeting in the middle! You can go out for coffee or meet up for dinner. A night away for some much-needed girl time is always a great thing too.
I had a child before my best friend in Michigan, yet we still had a lot in common. We would talk about life, dreams, hopes, school, dogs, charities we wanted to be a part of and make a list of vacations we hoped to one day go on together! You can still plan and do things with friends who don’t have children, it just usually involves the two of you. And, sometimes that is the BEST thing for you to do. You get away and your friend without children gets to have your undivided attention—it’s a win-win!
I understand those who are trying to conceive but can’t, they might not be as excited to hang out with a friend who has children. Sometimes for those who are trying so hard to have a baby, it’s hard to be around friends who are busy child-rearing. Their heart is focused on just getting one child, and you might have two or three! I believe in this situation it is best to listen, be there and just show up when those friends need you. Help each other out, build each other up, and take the time to show them you get that this is a hard time and you are there for them.
Finding Common Ground
While running might not be a fan favorite to all, it is a hobby for a few of my friends. We love to take our jogging strollers and meet at the park for a 3 or 4-mile run. I have bonded with a couple of my mom-friends just through our love of running. Is there a hobby that you enjoy where you can bring the kids along too? Perhaps a yoga class that includes your child, or a workout group that involves strollers and not just for running. Finding a hobby that you enjoy with friends, where the kids can come along helps you use your time effectively, creates a mom and child atmosphere, and is dual-purpose. One of my favorite things is running with my friends and after the run letting the kids out of the strollers so that they can play together and build a friendship too!
Final Thought
It is a completely amazing thing in this world when you find a friend, someone you just click with, get their vibe, and feel comfortable with—even in the silence. Friendships that last for a brief time still hold value in your life. Motherhood doesn’t mean you can’t have friends; it just puts a new spin on the idea of friendship. Quickly you realize who is important in your life, which friendships were seasonal, and which friendships will stand the test of time. It’s a new rhythm and we all have to adjust.
