Let's talk about . . .
photograph by: Lindsey King Photography
Let’s Talk About…
Ok, let’s talk about it. I’m concerned about it, you asked, and I will answer. Let’s talk about sex. Not the usual stuff like “10 ways to turn on your man”, I think the magazine rack has plenty of options for you in that regard. No, let’s talk about coming home from the hospital at 38 with a baby in tow, and noticing your sex drive has taken a nosedive. Let’s talk about the fact that I also felt that way at 30, and at 26. Or maybe we can talk about my total lack of a period for nearly a decade.
My sex life has been a bit of an interesting ride, so let’s talk about all of that, because I think we all have our own “sex story”, and maybe there are some things in here that you might need to hear.
Like a Virgin
I didn’t have sex until I was 26. It was my wedding night. You know the story, something about a “good Catholic girl” waiting to have sex until she was married. There is a promise of blessing if you wait until you are married to have sex, and of course, I indulged in this promise.
I wanted to wait because I truly felt that it was a part of me that only one man should get, and I was very true to myself on this matter. It turns out waiting until your wedding night is beautiful and wonderful, but also painful and obvious. The obvious part was the hardest. I woke up the next morning and realized EVERYONE now knows we had sex last night—or at least expected that we had sex last night. This was the part I had not thought through, the part where everyone knows, and it made me feel awkward about sex.
I also think that I made so many decisions about getting married, who I would date, who I would marry, and what I was looking for around this “waiting for marriage.” There’s nothing wrong with waiting, and I was glad I did. But the issue is when we think that “waiting” will be the lone key to a happy marriage. In many ways I think I approached my marriage this way, and learned it takes more than that.
I also found my sex drive was incredibly low, and I never had any great intimacy with my husband, despite “doing it the right way” and waiting until marriage, sex wasn’t this wonderful, magical thing I thought it would be. It would take several more years until I started to learn why.
Seeking Balance
It’s not that my husband and I didn’t have sex at all, but it was rare. I don’t know if I really knew that at the time, but I did have my suspicions. You see movies, and people are passionate, making love all the time, and I was thinking it must not be a reality. They must only do that in movies. I didn’t love sex. I still found it awkward at 30. Then I got pregnant, and had a miscarriage. Along with my lack of sex drive, I quickly decided I needed to see a doctor. I needed to figure out what was going on with my body.
Through the course of countless blood panels, tests, doctor evaluations, and specialists, I eventually found a hormone doctor who would diagnose me with Prolactinemia. Prolactinemia is caused when the pituitary gland is secreting the hormone prolactin at higher than normal levels. A specialist in San Francisco would go on to tell me I have an idiopathic tumor (tiny and not threatening) on my pituitary gland that was causing this. I was producing prolactin in mass quantity.
For those of you who don’t know, Prolactin is the breastfeeding hormone. As it turns out, my body had been operating with these elevated hormones since I was 21, for nine years. My body thought I should be lactating and nursing a child, which I wasn’t. It also comes with a lot of other physical and behavioral side effects.
For one, it suppresses sex drive. Which would explain some of why I had very little interest in sex. For those of you that have nursed children, you might be able to relate. I also had no menstrual cycle for all nine of those years, which should have been a red flag—pardon the pun. This hormone was responsible for much of my high anxiety, nervousness, and “ready to pounce on anyone who came in my way” behavior. Extremely similar to a nursing mother who is trying to protect her young. A very animalistic description, but understandable given my diagnosis.
I would eventually begin a course of medication that would balance out my prolactin. It worked, and my hormones finally began to balance. This, however, didn’t solve my marriage which ultimately ended in a divorce. But that’s a different story.
A Woman with Drive
The movies often depict sex for women as a fantasy; that women are willing, ready and able to have sex at the drop of a hat. While that might be true for some of us at the beginning of a relationship, years later, it is not always so easy. After my divorce, and around 33 my hormones were back in check. I quickly realized my sex drive was operating at high levels. I was ready for that “fantasy”. Was it because everything had just suddenly changed? Maybe in part, but I think the biggest factor was that my hormones were finally balanced and I was feeling what I should have been feeling as a woman for the first time in over a decade.
Throughout our lifetimes our hormones affect our sex drive, and change is inevitable, but having even one hormone that is a little off can affect our libido in a dynamic way. If you think something might be off, don’t wait a decade. Go see a doctor and get some answers.
Not only were my hormones back in check, I was also single. That situation created a lot of new relationships that were starting and stopping. The energy of newness in these relationships was definitely in full force. In 1979, Dorothy Tennov coined the term “limerence” for the first stage of love. We’ve all been there. You know all the feelings characterized by physical symptoms (flushing, trembling, palpitations), excitement, intrusive thinking, obsession, fantasy, fear of rejection, and of course—SEXUAL EXCITEMENT.
And then I came upon another relationship, which caught my attention like the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. It was everything I wanted and more, and I wanted it now. This relationship created a passion full of sexual chemistry and desire that I could not deny. Turns out it was more than just that, as I ended up marrying the guy, and for all the good reasons.
Men at Work
I can not speak for the male side in its entirety. However, I can speak for the men I have had sexual experiences with. They are ready and able to have sex at any moment. They love to be touched, a kiss turns them on, and the mere mention of the word “sex" gets them going. It seems to me they are willing and ready whenever it is possible, regardless of any outside factors. For men it is not situational, it is spontaneous, which is even more exciting for them.
I recall a certain Sunday morning when all the kids had woken up and my husband thought that was when we could begin having sex, just because he was ready. One child was knocking at the door, the dog was barking because he wanted to go out for a walk, and the other two kids were yelling “we are hungry!” because they wanted to eat breakfast. My husband had this remarkable ability to tune all of this out. He was trying so hard to convince me they could all wait. I looked at him and thought, “Wow, with all of this going on you are still in the mood?” Crazy, the situation was out of control and I was being “needed” in a no less than four different ways. There was no way I was going to be able to forget about the situation at hand to concentrate on him, let alone be interested in intimacy.
What Women Want
After a day at the office, I usually walk in to a three year old who is tired, a husband who wants to chat about his day and an oversized purse that is heavy. I quickly pick up the three year old, hug him tightly and ask him about his day. My husband starts talking to me about all the things he’s discovered through out his day while I am looking for a clean glass to pour a very nice wine into. He leans over, kisses me and makes me feel so loved.
This could be the moment. You know the one in the commercials for little blue pills where the couple kisses in the kitchen and she gets that look in here eyes? It could be, but it’s not.
I am exhausted, the toddler needs to be fed, bathed, we have a story to read, along with other toddler bedtime negotiations. After all this is completed I just want to hop into my cozy bed with a good book and fall to sleep.
For me to be in the mood the situation could look a little more like this (Stephen, take notes):
I walk into a quiet home where my son is fed and a glass of wine is poured. Some tranquil music is on, the lights are dimmed down low and my heavy purse is gently lifted off my shoulders and placed in the exact location I always place my bag (because I am a bit OCD).
After my long day at work, my husband tells me to go relax in the bedroom, change and enjoy my glass of wine.
Then I will go play in the bedroom with my son while my husband prepares our dinner. I would probably get the bath ready and get our son into bed. My husband and I would enjoy a nice evening of mutual conversation over dinner, and slowly retreat into our bedroom for a night of love making.
I am not saying this never happens, my husband can be quite the romantic, but this is an example of how the situation can be the turning point. Often our minds are elsewhere and we can’t concentrate on being intimate. Get the situation right, and everything else might fall right into place. Plus, what woman doesn’t want to come home to that? Not only does it make for a lovely evening, but it shows he really cares and wants to pamper me. That is sexy.
What Men Want
When my husband comes home after work on my day off, the scene could look a bit like this: house is a bit chaotic, our toddler is running around aimlessly, toys laying haphazardly throughout the hallway, and the dinner is halfway made. He shouts for me until he finds me, he grabs me, kisses me and is instantly ready for a passionate evening in our bedroom. You remember, spontaneous.
f he had his way, we would start right then.
I have learned that for him the setting does not have to be “just so”. He can kiss me and get easily carried away into a sexual fantasy. He really just wants that love in return, very simplistically put, the only situation he needs is to know that I love him. He wants to know that I want to feel close him. That is the situation for him. It’s sweet really, albeit rarely practical.
Finding Rhythm
There are those moments where you are both feeling it. At 38, when I arrived home with our baby, I was very focused on our child, and gladly accepted the six-week waiting period without sex. My husband on the other hand was very concerned. Was this a concern for your husband too, or just mine? Once the clearance to return to a sexual lifestyle had been given by our doctor, I was scared to start again. I felt like a virgin all over. What will happen, will it hurt, will it ever feel the same, did things change down there after having a child?
My husband shared none of those fears. He was fearless, unsurprisingly.
Those fears were quickly dissolved after we had sex. And the truth is, this was such an important part of our relationship, and I didn’t fully realize how much we had missed it over the last month and half. It was the intimacy, the connection, and quite literally the way we had created our newborn little baby. We both needed that type of relationship, bonding, and—not just because it felt good—but because it was our private time together. It was who we were before we had our child.
This is Forty
Today, I’m in my 40s. I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years, and it can definitely be harder to find intimacy because our lives are very busy. We are exhausted with raising children, working daily, and maintaining a household. However, we KNOW the importance of the connection which we feel when we are intimate and that helps turn me on.
The desire is there, but when the situation is not right, I have a hard time getting into the moment. I think knowing that that the reason is “situational” can make it easier to have a discussion with my husband so that we can make it happen.
Turn the lights down low, play some softer music and set the scene, this can definitely help set the mood.
A few years ago when the book ’50 Shades of Grey’ came out, women all over the world were enjoying the idea of the book’s sexual encounters. I think that was because the main character, Christian Grey, knew how to set the scene to create sexual tension for his partner—which at first didn’t even involve sex. By simply sending some sexy little texts throughout the day, and making his girlfriend feel beautiful, he would create a tone of sexual energy. This played on throughout the whole day. By the time they got home the atmosphere had been set. Both partners felt the vibe of the sexual experience.
The point is, we may have to work on setting the mood with our partners even before we get home from work or we enter into the bedroom. We are busy and time crunched, so take a cue from Christian Grey and get a head start.
We Talked About It, Now What?
When I was young, sex was a scary thing for me. Even as an adult, it was often awkward as I have explained. But I don’t think it needs to be that way.
Sex is not a dirty word. It doesn’t need to be taboo. My mom probably won’t enjoy this post, and she I expect she might even text me and say that some of this could be private. But I am hoping that one of the people reading this, maybe you, just might need to hear some of these things.
Maybe you are like me and you need to get your hormones checked.
If your hormones are balanced, I think the only thing standing in the way of a night of passion with your mate is a situation where you can’t relax. A new baby, having children and life might have changed your lifestyle a bit, and it can seem like it all just gets in the way.
But you can have the discussion with your partner. Talk about it, in depth, so they will know what will make your sex life fabulous. Sometimes we need to talk about sex. I’m positive that if you do that, what you thought was a sexual nosedive just might be cured by getting your situation just right. It works for us, give it a try.